Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
