Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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