She is in my trunk
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
