NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
the liver wants what the liver wants
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
