We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
