There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
