I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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