i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
