Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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