All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
