i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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