just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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