I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
