Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
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somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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