sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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