dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
