i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize