Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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