I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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