I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
