i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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