4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
