and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
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I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I want to be your penis for a week.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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