Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
