No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
