I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
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I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
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He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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