If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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