i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
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2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
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I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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