I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
