Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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