When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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