time to smoke my breakfast
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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