but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize