it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
