I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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