My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
