I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
