How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
