I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
