new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
