dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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