Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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