i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Girls should come with a carfax report
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
