Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
