Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
