He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
