I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
