I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
