He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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