I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
