if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
