My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
