my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
