found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
