rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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