Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
