I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Bring me that man meat
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
