the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
